FIBROMYALGIA WISDOM

INTRODUCTION


YOU ARE THE GOD OF A LITTLE UNIVERSE. BE BENEVOLENT TO YOURSELF!

Lord, your love is eternal. Complete the work that you have begun. Ps. 138:8

This episode in my life has brought me to a new understanding and appreciation of the value of good health, for without good health, nothing else seems of value. I am more understanding now of others’ limitations, especially those handicapping conditions which are not visible. I looked well enough even when I felt at my worse but I was unable to meet the expectations of others. I had to intentionally change others’ expectations of me. I have learned to trust my own instincts and drive to manage my own health care, in the process becoming an educated consumer of health care services and products. I explored a number of alternative treatments, none invasive. I learned that doctors trained in interventions through medications and surgery will provide those sorts of answers, just as doctors trained in nutrition, massage, and other approaches will provide those sorts of services, sincerely believing in their approaches. I firmly believe that Nature has a wonderful design, geared to self-maintenance and self-preservation of my body, but it need the support of the benevolent god-of-this-little-universe that I am! I know that overcoming the symptoms I had takes self-discipline over a long period of time. Since it took me more than four years to overcome my symptoms, I hope my story will encourage others to persist until they too are restored to optimum health.

Special thanks and acknowledgments are owed to my friend, Jan, who listened to me faithfully as I worked my way through he most difficult times. And thanks also to my Naturopath, Dr. Dick Thom, who worked with me to restore my intestinal health, an essential step to my good health plan. Thanks also to my Chiropractor, Dr. Janet Thompson, for her practice of Nambudripad Allergy Elimination Treatments. And thanks also to my husband, Ben, who supports me always in everything and exhibits unbelievable patience with all my “great ideas!”















CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION
1. No Known Cause, No Known Cure, Lots of Symptoms
2. Keeping My Own Records
3. Doing My Homework
4. Doctors Don’t Know Everything
5. The Road to Recovery Takes Self Discipline
6. Getting Help, But Knowing My Own Body, Trusting My Own Intuition
7. I Developed My Own Pain Meter
8. Recognizing Toxic Reactions for Me
9. I Need a Designer Diet
10. I Hate Exercise, But I Do It Anyway
11. Sunlight Is a Key to Better Health
12. I De-stressed My Life
13. I Take Care of My Spirit Every Day
14. Does Anyone Ever Get Over This?
15. I Am My Own Best Advocate, and So Are You!
16. Summary
17. Journal Entries





FIBROMYALGIA: A PERSONAL JOURNEY

This is the story of my recent health life, on the surface. Underneath, this condition has become the doorway to a deeper appreciation of all of life. I thought my bout with the chronic condition of Fibromyalgia was a detour in life, but now I find it makes me celebrate on the main road instead, making me more fully aware of life’s daily blessings. This disease was a powerful call to me to slow down and improve the quality of every moment of my life. Once again I enjoy restful sleep and my speaking engagements, with activities even at night, including theater going, camping, hiking, travel, yard work, photography, and activities with children. This is my story of pain, personal research, reflection, intuitive insight, and proactive living for better health. I hold no degree in medicine of any kind. But I hope that sharing my success in dealing Fibromyalgia will be an encouragement to others.

I. NO KNOWN CAUSE, NO KNOWN CURE, LOTS OF SYMPTOMS
My life is disappearing like smoke. I am beaten down like dry grass; I have lost my desire for food…I lie awake; I am like a lonely bird on a housetop…The Lord has made me weak while I am still young; he has shortened my life. O God, do not take me away now before I grow old. Ps. 102:3, 23-24.

I hit bottom in February 1996. These were my symptoms:
1. I experienced poor sleep, frequently interrupted due to thirst, need to urinate, and pain in muscles that was enough to waken me if I even moved.
2. Even with up to 12 hours in bed, I was exhausted.
3. I had muscle or tendon or joint points, in my ankles, knees, wrists, elbows, shoulders, neck and jaw, which seemed to come for no reason.
4. There were lumps in the tissue of my arms and legs.
5. I was easily injured during normal activities.
6. I had frequent migraine headaches, especially involving the eyes and nose, often with nausea.
7. I had carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands, and wore wrist braces at night and sometimes during the day as well.
8. Numbness occurred at times in my hands in the day as well. My hands grew numb after only a few minutes of driving, and were physically too weak to open a jar lid.
9. I experienced “burning” toes, especially at night.
10. Raynauds episodes (loss of circulation in hands and feet) caught me unawares in the daytime, 15 to 20 times a day, when my hands turned white, then blue and bright red, with my toes feeling like frozen balls. Episodes were even worse in colder weather or air conditioning.
11. My fingernails were brittle and flat, and they were an infected red color at the tips.
12. Irritable bowel symptoms continued uninterrupted, with lots of gas, frequent diarrhea and light colored stools.
13. I experienced shortness of breath with even mild exertion.
14. A frequent flash in the left eye at the lower left corner distracted me often from my tasks.
15. Gurgling in the esophagus followed most meal.
16. I developed a lump on the sternum between my breasts, which was painful to pressure.
17. Twitching of my fingers and/or toes was uncontrollable, although not painful, but my swollen finger joints and constant hand wringing were obvious reminders that I was not really all right.
18. A very low platelet count (106 with lower normal end being 140) was detected in April of 1996, which raised some concern in my doctor’s mind.
19. Menopause symptoms ran concurrently: hot flashes lasting a few moments only and bimonthly periods with my last period occurring in May of 1997.
20. I had very few colds, no flu and no days were lost at work. But I felt badly.
Visits to doctors always indicated normal vital signs. Yet I felt terrible. I was too exhausted to attend the Fibromyalgia support group I knew existed at OHSU (Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland, Oregon) and I looked forward to every minute I could have at rest, at home. I lacked energy for housework or yard work, and I also lacked enthusiasm for any of my usual activities.
My awareness of my health as an issue began in October of 1995, the day after I walked five miles in a jogathon with the children at the elementary school where I was principal. From that day on, I felt every day as if I had just walked that five miles, and was coming down with the flu as well! I ached in every muscle and joint, and I was exhausted, and I didn’t get over it with any amount of rest. Turning over in bed was so painful; I slept flat on my back with my arms folded on my stomach, hardly moving all night. After a few weeks of self-care and enduring this situation, I visited my doctor. She gave me a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and a pamphlet, a rather small one that said there was “no known cause, no known cure, and no known medication.”
In other words, I just had to “learn to live with it”! The pamphlet counseled sufferers to live a healthy lifestyle, watch the diet, and get plenty of rest. I thought I was already living a healthy lifestyle! I faithfully used my seat belt, didn’t do drugs or drink much, was faithful to my spouse, said my prayers daily, and at three good meals a day besides. My grandparents all lived into their late 80’s without many problems. Wasn’t this the right way to live healthily?
I took aspirin and other pain relievers, but they did no good. In November my jaw hurt so, I couldn’t open my mouth to put in a fork. I returned to my physician. “I know, dear. I know.” Her pat on my shoulder didn’t help much. In search of sunshine my husband and I went to Reno in December, but that made no difference. After Christmas I had the first Raynaud’s episode, where my hands turned white and then blue, and then bright red, and eventually the normal color returned. But this was a frightening development, and I went back to my doctor, complaining of these symptoms again. She was sympathetic but had no advice to offer. She counseled me that Raynaud’s is a benign condition of the circulatory system, little understood. Medications to lower blood pressure might help, but the side effects would not be acceptable, and my blood pressure was quite normal. The doctor suggested that I was “depressed” and offered me a prescription to improve my mood, but I declined. My body was already over sensitive to many medications. Something was surely wrong, but I was not emotionally “depressed”. That I was sure of!
So I just went on, dragging myself out of bed at the usual early hour, with stiffness all over and always tired, going to work. I felt better in a few hours once at work, after I lifted my legs out of the car and hobbled into the building with frozen toes and fingers. If I had need to climb stairs, I was out of breath to the point that I couldn’t talk. If I lifted anything, I strained muscles that would then hurt for days. There was a constant flash in my left eye, headaches, and the usual intestinal upsets. I was so discouraged and tired, and I felt helpless and alone with this disease.
My husband thought I was becoming a hypochondriac, but other than observing that I had gained a little weight, neither he nor others seemed to notice my plight, at home or at work. None of the routine medical tests turned up any interesting data or specific causes. I learned to give more orders and made requests for help from others, keeping all my work life in the daylight hours. I did less at home in terms of cleaning and shopping. But if nothing was wrong, why did I feel so terrible?

II. TAKING CHARGE OF MY HEALTH
I have everything I need. He lets me rest…He gives me new strength…Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord, for you are with me…I know that your goodness and love will be with me all of my life. Ps.23: 3,6.

At the worst point, I was willing to make changes! I began my BETTER LIFE PLAN when I returned to riding the stationery bicycle at home, every day, at first only for a few minutes, after which I needed to lie down for a while. By the end of January, I could rider for 25 minutes or so, but very slowly. Then I went to my annual women’s retreat, where I was a presenter, and spent most of it in bed, doing nothing, not even sleeping! I was just too tired and headachy too. I visited there with a long time friend who had the same diagnosis, and who had cut back on all her activities. She had learned to “live with it.” During the retreat I had a turn with a group massage, a healing ceremony, that felt so good, not just physically but emotionally, because so many cared for me.
I emerged from that retreat absolutely determined to be restored to good health. I didn’t use to feel like this, and I shouldn’t have to feel this way now! If the doctors did not understand this disease, then the field was open to my study. Something was wrong which should be understandable with study, and some things could be changed so that I would feel like myself again. I believed that then, and I still do.
Another close friend agreed at that time to give me a shiatsu massage (an Asian technique using pressure on specific points) every week, and we settled on Monday nights. She did a massage for me from February until June, weekly. I believe the massages helped to move the lumps in my arms and legs, to smooth them out and open up the clogged channels of my lymph system. But even more importantly, she listened to me talk endlessly about myself and how I felt, and said little. She knew when my physical being improved because she could feel it in her hands, and how the lumps faded away, how the edema in my left when I changed my diet.
I began keeping a Health Log (explained more thoroughly below). Meanwhile I continued with the exercise, for 15 to 20 minutes a day of stretching and another 30 minutes on the exercycle. The excessive fatigue and severe muscle pains continued through February and into March. Going outdoors for walks brought on Raynaud’s episodes, unless the weather was very nice, above 60 degrees at least. I was a little better, and encouraged greatly by my very small successes.

III. KEEPING MY OWN RECORDS
I bring Him all my complaints. I tell Him all my troubles. When I am ready to give up, He knows what I should do. Ps. 142:2
Diet proved to be an important factor. Starting with the decision at the retreat in the end of January, I kept a health log of all the conditions in my life, including the weather, my work hours, and the level of difficulty of my work that day, any medication, everything I ate, physical responses, and insights. (See Sample A on page X. Samples B and C are another formats for the same kind of data.). I didn’t really know what I was looking for in all that data! After the first three weeks I read it over, and found that what I ate wasn’t all to good, and frequently I was eating at 10:30 in the morning whatever happened to be in the staff lounge. So I made decisive changes.
I de-stressed my schedule beginning the first of February, eliminating all night and weekend commitments except for the mandatory School Board meeting. I stayed in bed until it was daylight, then exercised and got ready for work in my own pace, arriving there around 9:00. My daily exercise routine took 45 minutes of my morning. Each day I left school at 3:30, regardless of what work there was left to be done. My staff accepted this lower key principal. I missed opening ceremonies with them, and they learned to see me during the day with their concerns, or to call me later on at home. Of course, the first day of this new schedule was the day the portable classroom was flooded to a depth of three feet, and I spent a difficult day resettling a room full of fifth graders and one very overworked teacher in temporary quarters.
I eliminated all alcohol, caffeine, sugar, salt, carbonated drinks, and prepared foods from my diet, and absolutely all medications, even vitamins. I considered taking supplements but was overwhelmed just looking at the shelves of these additives, and finally decided to trust my body to take in the right things if I fed it properly. Our next vacation was in a motorhome, so that I could cook for myself fresh foods and take daily walks. I sat out in the sun enough to get a tan. My bowels had been soft and light colored since I had Shigellosis in the summer of 1994, and they immediately became more normal in color and consistency! I lost ten pounds, mostly edema in my legs, in the first two weeks!
Writing down everything I eat is a somewhat tedious practice, but it keeps me aware of what I ingest daily, including sweet treats and other “cheating” episodes. I a more aware of hitting periods of excessive hunger, and their associated conditions. For this log I use an Action Planner Pad by Cambridge, which is sold in supermarkets and elsewhere. As the notebook lays open, it shows a full week, Sunday to Saturday. I keep a coded list of repeating items at the front. If I should take a Tylenol, it would show as a “T” encircled, and the time. A day’s information is contained in a few inches of space.
In this same notepad I also keep records of any visits to health care professionals of any kind, what they said, questions I asked and their answers, and I take it with me to every appointment so I can answer their questions as well. I know what I have tried, what worked, or what happened that made me discontinue that approach to my symptoms. (I am not making specific recommendations to you. Please seek qualified assistance from a nutritionist, dietitian, Naturopath, allergist, etc.).
I always code #1 for stretching, #2 for 30 minutes of more strenuous exercise, and then letters or numbers for other interventions, and I include the time for meals and bowel movements. I wish I had noted my water intake also, as that proved to be very important to my eventual well being. I learned from this log that I was very hungry every day about 10 a.m., and that is when I would most likely cheat. So I moved lunch up, and have a snack in the afternoon, eating four smaller meals a day. I learned that for me, fasting provokes Raynaud’s episodes and other disagreeable side effects, and that two glasses of warm water will reduce the severity and duration of the attack. I adjusted my eating schedule to my body’s needs.
My log taught me more. I love Chinese, Japanese, East Indian and Mexican food, but every such meal resulted in a bout of diarrhea, for some reason, three to 24 hours later. Apparently the spices, the oils, the vegetables, or the starches negatively affect my digestion. Other people with FMS may have the same problem with different ethnic foods. In the United States we enjoy foods from many other nations, and foods are often eaten “out of season” because they are imported, or they have been preserved in some way for our later use. This is a rather convenient development in modern life. I have returned to the foods of my native heritage, eaten in season, as part of my individualized diet. I still eat out, but only when I am willing to pay the price.
Each of us is the product of millions of years of inheritance through natural selection. Our genetic history is encoded in our every cell. Blood type may be related to the best diet for a given person, as it seems to be for me. (For a thorough treatment of this topic, read Eat Right for Your Type, the Individualized Diet Solution.) We cannot escape our internal clocks for growth and development and decline, nor can we overcome our food allergies or food intolerance’s by wishful thinking, force, surgery, or medications. I believe Fibromyalgia is really a result of malabsorption of nutrients, for whatever reason. My symptoms showed up a year after a bout with Shigellosis and a powerful antibiotic that stripped my intestinal tract of its ability to absorb nutrients properly. I did not understand this prior to writing down a thorough retrospective summary of my health.
The Well Being The Journal by Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D. led me through a series of activities of remembering my own health history. Her specific activities for journaling, drawing, and meditating, were very enlightening to me. Drawing with my non-dominant hand produced the most interesting results, as the author promised, true self-insights about my health, and about my attitudes towards my own health. This intuitive research into my own ways of being was an essential step in my return to optimum health. The connections between the attitudes and events of life, and their later health consequences, are not always obvious. One needs to reflect and capture those insights.
Gather for yourself some drawing paper and a good set of colored felt pens. When you are in differing moods, try drawing a self-portrait with your non-dominant hand (left if you are right-handed, right if you are left-handed). Compare the drawings at a later date. Or draw pictures of your body parts that are hurting, selecting whatever you think is the appropriate color. Your non-dominant hand, being less well trained, is far more revealing although cumbersome to work with, but the results will amaze you as it did me. I shared some of my drawings with my doctor, and I believe they also helped him to understand my situation better.
Altogether then, my “records” consist of four parts:
1. a binder with copies of medical reports from doctors and a copy of each one page summary which I update before visiting any doctor. (See Sample D). This avoids duplicate testing, allows for comparison of outcomes, raises questions, and sometimes provides answers.
2. A Life Journal, a book with lined pages that contain my reflections on a broad number of topics. Sample entries related to my health concerns are contained here. (See samples.)
3. A Health Log where I write down everything I eat and how I feel, with some drawings included.
4. Another book of drawings, done with my non-dominant hand, in full color. For assistance in this pictorial journaling, see Cappachione’s TheWell Being Journal. The drawings in this book are all from my records.
Health log, drawings and journals combined tell my story, and help me remember the real truth. Every now and then I looked over my “records” and could see when there were improvements, which was encouraging, and made me even more determined to stick to my intuition and follow my plan. It must be hard for “feeler” types to follow their plans without deviating. We are each entitled to our feelings, and we cannot avoid them, but sometimes they do drag a person down. Records are only as accurate as the keeper is honest, and my sense of honesty led me to the truth eventually. Record keeping and the support of at least one “thinker” type friend help keep an FM patient on the track to better health.



IV. DOING MY HOMEWORK
I waited patently for the Lord’s help; then He listened to me and heard my cry. He pulled me out of a dangerous pit, out of the deadly quicksand. He set me safely on a rock and made me secure. He taught me to sing a new song. Ps.40: 1

I searched bookstores, library, the Internet and among people I know in the healthcare professions. This is my understanding of Fibromyalgia, based on everything I have read and experienced. Fundamentally, this is not a disease with a specific microbe, virus, or bacteria, but it affects nine in every one thousand persons. I learned that the entire digestive tract is coated with a thin layer of an oily substance, essential to the metabolism of Vitamins A, D, E, and K. Vitamin A is especially needed for the proper functioning of muscles, for restful sleep experiences, and for the proper functioning of the eyes. The liver especially, and the body in general, has a reserve store of these essential elements to last approximately a year, helping the individual survive periods of illness, war, starvation, pregnancy, or long winters where many foods are unavailable.
I believe the symptoms of Fibromyalgia are the result of vitamin and mineral deficiency brought on by the inability of the digestive tract to absorb those needed elements from food. Constant diarrhea makes the problems worse, made worse by poor diets. Over time the damage to the digestive tract, and reliance on reserves when a person does not eat a truly healthful diet, results in symptoms of varying severity in different individuals. It’s as if when we are in reasonably good health, we have gas in the tank. But when the tank is empty, we’re in trouble! Putting just a little gas in the tank (such as a week or two of healthful eating and some exercise) helps get the car a short distance only. A stressful event or over exertion brings all the symptoms back.
Doctors know that a stressful event, bacterial disease, antibiotics, or a stressful lifestyle can trigger Fibromyalgia. This can be exaggerated by diets heavy in modern foods, which are poor in natural nutrients. This disease of the 90’s is the natural result of a combination of intestinal damage and an adulterated diet, replete with additives for enhanced taste, color, flavor, shelf life, pest control, and status. A friend related another analogy to me: Our energy resources are in a “checking account”, from which we make continuous deposits and withdrawals, and sometimes we put something into “savings”. Some people never put anything into savings. And then one day we have an extra expenditure, and we must draw from the savings account. If your daily “deposits” are inadequate, and you have nothing in “savings”, you are in trouble! The FM patient is always on the verge of a state of depletion and cannot afford anything less than the best of foods in the nutritional sense, every day, while avoiding any allergens and intolerances.
In summary then, I believe Fibromyalgia consists of the symptoms of malnutrition, from whatever cause, exaggerated by other influences, which ultimately affects every body system. Only many months later did I understand that in my case the Shigellosis (a bacterial intestinal infection from some food handler) and/or antibiotic Ciprofloxin (a powerful broad spectrum medication) produced the severe symptoms more than a year later, in October of 1995. I was fortunate in receiving an early diagnosis of FM in late 1995, and was taking no medications to further complicate my situation.
My move to a totally natural food diet without medications, with more rest and gentle exercise produced much improved health over a long period of time (1996-1999). With the assistance of a health professional I was able to directly improve the health of my digestive tract. I feel “normal” again, normally fatigued at appropriate times, enthusiastic again about my life and its possibilities.
Do I have Seasonal Affective Syndrome too (SAD)? Maybe, since I am always better during daylight and much better during summers. Do I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which shares many of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia? Again, maybe. But a five-month sabbatical, and a long rest, did not remove the tendencies to pain, interrupted sleep, or the Raynauds. Returning to work did not produce more severe symptoms, but the symptoms were alleviated with healthful food and daily exercise. In the final analysis, I know that I am subject to the conditions of energy, light, sound, sustenance, and human relationships, as is everyone. I simply MUST maintain a healthy lifestyle because the organism that is me has become less flexible about its conditions.
Fibromyalgia is a new name for an old set of symptoms. I found it described in Hildegard’s Medicine, a summary translation from the original German language, written about 1150 AD
“Hildegard describes how critical conditions come about through fever and infections, because the person’s digestive organs are overworked and unable to digest food properly. The result is an increase of poisons and waste products. When the excretory organs such as skin, kidneys, liver, lungs, and intestines are exhausted, far too many toxins accumulate in the entire organism. The body becomes lazy and tired due to overfeeding and lack of exercise. An excess of fats and proteins clogs the arteries and inside walls of the colon, where food is absorbed. The accumulation of morbid matter can block the intake of essential nutrients…Through this vicious circle persons feel tired, down-hearted, and they freeze all over.”

Our modern words for this are “fatigue”, “depression”, and “poor circulation”, or “Raynaud’s syndrome.” These are key descriptors for Fibromyalgia. Hildegard was religious of the Middle Ages of some renown, remembered for her theology, artwork, management of several abbeys, outspoken criticism of the clergy, and her sound medical advice. Hildegard medicine is enjoying a resurgence of practice, particularly in Europe. She frequently regarded a person’s diet and life style as the culprits in ill health, and restored many persons to optimal health through proper diet, exercise, rest and other specific suggestions. You will find websites about Hildegard on the Internet, although about half of them are in German.
I applied all this research to my life. I was also reading up on human anatomy and biology, not topics I much cared about before. I studied the symptoms I had, and how the body ought to work, back and forth between a large home medical encyclopedia and another on nutritional healing, and another on prescription drugs. Eventually I bought more books on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Epstein Barr Virus, and others on diet and alternative medicine, including visualization and meditation techniques.




V. DOCTOR’S DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING!

He will keep you safe from all hidden danger, and from all deadly diseases…the plagues that strike in the dark or the evils that kill in daylight…God will put his angels in charge of you to protect you wherever you go…God says, “I will save those who love me…When they call to me, I will answer them…I will reward them with long life…” Ps. 91:3,11,14,15.

In March of 1996 I changed doctors since Dr. B had nothing to offer me. The new doctor, Dr. C, ran blood tests and confirmed NOT arthritis, but she did find a seriously low platelet count. She wanted me to see an oncologist, and to take aspirin daily. I had already shared with her my problems and insights about aspirin, and with a little research on her part she finally agreed with me. Back to my researching, I learned that platelets are sensitive to the amount of Vitamin A available, and aspirin destroys platelets, reducing clotting ability of the blood (a good thing in the midst of a heart attack, but not good if you suffer from Raynaud’s). She also wanted me to take ERT (Estrogen Replacement Therapy). I had had some hot flashes, my menstrual periods were irregular, and I seemed to be in the midst of menopause. This was a complication to my health but not the source of my difficulties, as I believed both then and now. However I took the ERT for five months, and then stopped (with my doctor’s knowledge) since I could no longer trust my body to honestly give me feedback. Medications complicate the body’s responses, surpressing some and exaggerating others. My doctor agreed, somewhat reluctantly. As for me, the swelling in my hands went down and my breasts were less tender after that, so it was a good decision in my case.
While waiting for the appointment with the oncologist I adjusted my diet to include liverwurst, for massive Vitamin A in a natural form. (Unfortunately liverwurst is very high in cholesterol too.) In three weeks my platelet count was still a little low, but within the normal range again. My platelet count was even better at the next check, when I had the surgery for carpal tunnel in the right hand. Another success was chalked up to nutritional improvements in my diet!










VI. THE ROAD TO RECOVERY STARTS WITH SELF- DISCIPLINE.
I have decided to obey your laws until the day I die. Ps. 119:112

Self-discipline begins with heart felt decision.
Over the summer of 1996 I recovered from the wrist surgery, continued to watch my diet, exercised faithfully, and kept a more relaxed schedule even when school started again. I still experienced stiffness in my hands and feet, weakness that frustrated me as I could not walk far, or even open a potato chip bag. If I broke the diet, I paid dearly with diarrhea within hours, especially in the case of milk products. Although milder, the Raynaud’s episodes continued. But on the whole, I was much better, and when I happily reported to Dr. C in April of 1997 that I thought I had beat the symptoms, her response was that “then you didn’t have Fibromyalgia”, which is by definition incurable! Since I had worked for over a year to accomplish this improvement, I was doubly disappointed that she didn’t seem to take this seriously, or even inquire closely as to how I did it. She concurred that I had Fibromyalgia when she first saw me as a patient. If you have all the symptoms of something that is diagnosed by its symptoms only, then I certainly had it!
My allopathic doctor (following standard medical practices) had repeated some of the blood tests and found everything to be “normal”, a common experience for FM patients, who may try a whole series of doctors. Meanwhile, neither my husband nor my mother could imagine that anything was wrong, as I appeared much the same as always. Consequently my self-imposed diet and exercise routine didn’t seem important to them, so milk products, sweets, coffee, and alcohol were continually offered to me. I was viewed as unnecessarily “picky”. My slowed schedule and avoidance of activities requiring exertion or late night was viewed as some kind of escapism. I felt like I was alone in my battle, and I was alone, except for one friend who gave me a weekly massage. In time my husband appreciated my efforts and supported me, but not at first.
My personality leans heavily to be a “thinker” rather than a “feeler”, a person less swayed by feelings than by thoughts and intentions. So I could be tough by myself. I developed a list of “treats” for myself, so that I could be self-comforting, self-rewarding, in the absence of outside supports. I made my bedroom more comfortable, with books and writing materials close at hand, a boombox with headphones on a long cord so that I could listen in bed to relaxing music. I shut the door on pets, noise, and all demands after 6 p.m. I ran the bath and enjoyed its warmth several times a day, wasting water but overcoming my Raynaud’s discomfort. I lived in looser clothing with only ties at the waste, and gave up bras altogether for a while. I turned off the phone ringer in my bedroom. I ignored more household dirt than ever before in my life, and did not apologize. I bought foods that I like that I could eat, in spite of their greater costs and lack of appeal to other family members: sorbet instead of ice cream, almond butter instead of peanut butter, real butter and not margarine, distilled water and herbal teas. I never missed a massage appointment, sometimes going over the objections of family members. I kept in touch with friends by phone. And I went to church every week because I need to do that too, even if I didn’t go anywhere else except to work.












VII GETTING HELP, BUT KNOWING MY OWN BODY, TRUSTING MY OWN INTUITION
Lord, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance. I am not concerned with great matters, or with subjects too difficult for me. Instead, I am content and at peace, as a child…so my heart is quiet within me. Ps 131:1-2.

I knew some important ways to improve my lifestyle, but having done those things, I was faced with continuing symptoms. That winter (1996-97) I seemed to be on a plateau in terms of improvements, still experiencing a very sensitive digestive tract and stiffness in my hands and feet particularly. I hobbled to the bathroom in the mornings, and grew stiff anytime if I sat more than a few minutes. Sudden movements of my hands caused excruciating sharp pains in my forearms. I was still very tired in the mornings, although sleeping better. So in January of 1997 I consulted a naturopathic doctor, Dr. D. He reviewed all my records, and asked me to keep a diet journal again for him. He did a saliva test of my adrenaline function, and found it to be “flat”. Adrenaline was not building up over night as it ought to be doing, accounting for my morning fatigue. A hair analysis confirmed the mal-absorption of nutrients, but did show adequate calcium and no heavy metal poisoning.
My naturopath gave me a written ten-page direction and plan to improve my intestinal health, introducing changes to my diet and habits. This plan I followed faithfully over the next six months, using with supplements in liquid form and flax oil, supported with visualization and good eating habits at the table. (These supplements are not detailed here, as they are specific to my condition.) I continued to eliminate all milk products and discovered through my diet journal other foods that triggered internal upsets. He counseled me to eat salads daily, some fruit and vegetables, some meat, whole grains, milk substitutes such as soy or rice milk, and very few deserts or “fast foods”. His directions included daily time outdoors “getting my Vitamin D”, which is formed naturally on the surface of the skin.
But above all, Dr. D listened carefully and noted every detail of what I had to relate. I continued to improve internally, during the spring, with increased daylight, and I maintained the stressful schedule that happens every year as school winds down. I tried acupuncture also, but was unhappy with the aftereffects and severe Raynaud’s attacks which followed each treatment. I continued monthly massage therapy, because I enjoyed it. I am not certain of its value beyond the first six months. When symptoms began to return, my massage therapist could tell from the lumps in my arms and legs. I used relaxation techniques, listening to music on those nights when I did not fall asleep quickly. And I enjoyed “drawing my insides” pictures in my health log, helping me pay attention to bodily messages that I ignored quite literally for years. This record keeping continues to inspire me to stick with my controlled diet. (Capacchione’s book offers diagrams of human anatomy that my be photocopied. I colored in my complaints, and this also helped my physician to treat me accurately.)
My Naturopath also told me from the saliva test that I was “wheat sensitive”, and that I should eliminate wheat from my diet. This was good advice that I chose to ignore for a year, so that I returned to this doctor the following year with milder but continuing complaints about stiffness in my hands and feet. He gently asked if I had attended to this part of our plan? I had not. But with a concerted effort I managed to eliminate the wheat for more than a month continuously, and ALL the symptoms of stiffness went away. I have come to like spelt bread and cereals, corn flour pancakes, tortillas, and cooked quinoa cereal in the mornings, (which is like cream of wheat). I do cheat, but not much! “Sensitive” means my system reacts in self-protective ways (like giving me diarrhea to rid itself of irritants) or storing the irritant someplace else (like in my joints) because the liver just can’t deal with it. Allergic reactions are more obvious, because they are more severe and immediate, affecting breathing, or causing outbreaks on the skin, or itching episodes. I may have had a long-standing sensitivity without knowing it, but in a depleted state my body could no longer cope with it. The professional assessment of my allergies and sensitivities brought me a few surprises!















VIII I DEVELOPED MY OWN PAIN METER.
May the Lord show his constant love during the day, so that I may have a song at night, a prayer to the God of my life. Ps.42: 8.

Some days are better than others, when seen through pain, but it is hard to remember the good days, unless you have a way of “measuring” them. I developed my own “pain meter”, a scale of zero to ten. Mine is just an example. Yours will include different symptoms, or different assessments of the effects FM has on you. Every day in my health log I gave a score for pain, for about a year. Migraines and bowel problems were noted separately anyway. When I look back now and “rate” my days, then from the winter of 1996 to the winter of 1999 I have moved from a lot of 10’s to mostly 0’s!
0 No joint pain, can use my hands easily, full mobility.
1 Cannot wear rings or wristwatch.
2 Knuckles painful to touch, fingers bend with difficulty.
3 Reduced grip, carry only two plates, some stiffness in knees or ankles.
4 Mild Raynaud’s (only part of the hand), feet hurt with first steps after resting.
5 Toes “burn” or “freeze”, handwriting is affected, constant need to massage hands, awakened by pain, ankles have cold aches.
6 Moderate Raynauds and cold nose, white fingers, hobbled walking, wrist pain, outside forearm tender to touch.
7 Joints freeze in position, painful to move, cannot sleep on side due to should aches, and frequent foot stretching.
8 Difficulty turning the steering wheel, sleep on back with hands lightly on chest without moving, foot pain on walking downstairs with every step, cannot grip covers, open a jar, difficulty adjusting clothes, neck pain.
9 Severe Raynaud’s, cannot warm up, avoid petting the dog, hurts to brush hair.
10 Sharp pains at slight movements.





















IX RECOGNIZING TOXIC REACTIONS FOR ME
God remembers those who suffer; He does not forget their cry. Ps. 9:12.

The healthy human body seems to be able to tolerate a number of substances and still thrive. But my body is always on the edge of deprivation of healthy vitamins, minerals, and other supplies it needs. It can no longer handle some substances, which I formerly could ingest at will. I do not understand body chemistry beyond an elementary knowledge, but my body KNOWS when I mistreat it. Your list of food no-no’s maybe different than mine, but probably not very different!
• Caffeine, all coffee, including decaf; causes acid stomach, hyperactivity, poor sleep.
• Alcohol: wine or beef increases acid stomach, causes diarrhea
• Milk products: difficult to assimilate, produces gas, slimy diarrhea.
• Carbonated drinks: guaranteed diarrhea.
• Sugar: increased stiffness in joints.
• Salt: increased edema in legs.
• Fish products: migraines 24 hours later.
• Wheat: increased stiffness, wrist pains especially.
Any food, which aggravates my system, causing itching, bloating, vision problems, diarrhea, lethargy or hyperactivity, should be omitted from my personal diet. You will know what food are problematic for you if you keep a diet journal for three weeks, including your bodily feelings and the timing of the reaction. Read it over carefully and make changes. Or you can see a nutritionist, Naturopath, or allergist, and learn the truth from tests. (There is another alternative reviewed in the final chapter.) But your diet journal will convince you!
My intuitive understanding of Raynaud’s has increased as I pay closer attention to my interior reactions to “forbidden” foods. I can enjoy eating a wonderful whole-wheat roll at noon, but about an hour later I will notice a momentary flush of warmth all over my body. Some hours later, perhaps in the night, I will become very thirsty. Then even later I will notice a creeping cold in my hands and feet, a burning sensation in my toes, even though I am well covered in bed. It is as if my body is gathering up all the fluids possible to dilute and flush the toxins of the wheat from my intestinal tract, restricting circulation to my extremities. And sure enough, in the morning I will have gas and extremely loose and foul smelling bowel movement, the result of my careless lunch from yesterday. If the digestive irritation is strong enough, there will be a return of painful areas in my lower back and/or a full blown Raynaud’s episode will come on, with white fingers, a severe internal cold spell as peripheral circulation shuts down.
The result if I eat wrong foods at a series of meals is disastrous! I had a severe Raynaud’s episode in the fall of 1998, when I was so cold I stopped at a local gym just to sit in the sauna. I sat in there fully clothed for 18 minutes (I timed it) before I even began to feel warm! This is not exactly an allergic reaction, but an intolerance that in the long run is very hard on my body systems. The effect is certainly not worth any food value or pleasure that I might derive from a slice of pizza, a meal of pasta, a submarine sandwich, pancakes or a chocolate shake! The delay in my body responses fools me into thinking there is no connection. But my diet journal tells me the truth!
Other folks might not be affected by minute amounts of chemicals in their deodorant, toothpaste, dental fillings, or water. But I wondered what other chemicals might be affecting me, of which I was unaware. Perhaps I was hypersensitive to chemicals others can tolerate well. But I changed to a toothpaste without fluoride, a simpler compound, and gave up deodorant except for special occasions. I enjoy using a sauna, but avoid hot tubs and pools with chlorine. I talked with the dentist about possible effects of mercury in my fillings. He appreciates my concerns, and does not recommend replacing existing fillings, but no more mercury is going into my teeth! The refill I had replaced with gold instead. It is possible that mercury was leaking into my system, as my symptoms did improve since then, but of course I have to “proof.” I gave up nail polish and even the thought of hair coloring dyes. Mostly I wear 100% cotton, use the same tried and true detergent, and no fabric softeners.
Did any of that help? I don’t know. But altogether I am better every day.








X I NEEDED A DESIGNER DIET.
The Lord provides for those he loves, while they are asleep. Ps. 127:2.

Nature has provided us with the best foods as fuel for our bodies, and designed the human body to abstract what it needs and to reject what it find noxious. Listen to your body!
So what CAN I eat? I eat thirteen to sixteen servings of the following each day:
• fruits and vegetables, especially those in season,
• salads with at least five ingredients with oil and vinegar
• small portions of meat broiled or steamed
• rice, corn, spelt, kamult cereals and breads
• potatoes and eggs
• beans, dried peas and lentils
• onions, garlic and seasonings
• soy protein and other soy products in place of milk products like cheese
• olive oil and flax oil
• nuts and nut butters (not from peanuts)
I eat simple foods in separate piles, without sauces. I have gone back to my mother’s simple meal plan: four piles on the plate, one of salad, one of a starch, one of protein, and one of another cooked vegetable, and nothing to eat after dinner, giving the digestive system a rest through the night. I learned to cook the things I like to eat. If eating out, I try buffets, where I can choose the foods on sight that will agree with me. You, too, should invest in some professional help before trying herbs, supplements, or anything exotic or expensive. My Naturopath provided me with an extensive list of foods I can eat, and reporting to him occasionally now keeps me an honest woman!
What can I drink? I go for purified water as long as I can afford it and find it. Your body probably cannot handle chlorinated water either. I drink non-caffeine teas and pure or diluted juices in moderation. I carry tea bags with me all the time, so I can be a pleasant guest. Skip the rest. (Yes, I miss coffee, and occasionally indulge in a half-cup so I won’t feel do deprived.)
Support your intentions to eat well by shopping well. Read the labels of anything prepared, and be willing to put it back on the shelf or into the freezer. Before you shop, clean out your refrigerator. Products beyond their “fresh” dates are not doing your body any good. Every week purchase fresh produce, replacing wilted or tired vegetables that have lost their food value. You won’t have to cook every day, if you prepare a large salad and keep it in an airtight container, and make a large pot of lentil or pea or other soup from scratch. Twice or more a week, make a large casserole or roast, and bake extra potatoes or cook rice. If you refrigerate everything quickly and properly the food value of the food YOU cook yourself will be retained much longer. Home cooked or prepared foods will be of a quality superior to anything prepared that you purchase to “save” time or energy. Take your lunch and snacks with you to work or when socializing. Your own foods will have less salt and no preservatives. You will need only a few minutes at home to reheat a portion, steam a vegetable, and get out a salad. Once in place, this system will take less time and energy than stopping at a deli or opening cans, and be much better for you and your family too.
If you have any allergies or food sensitivities, you are very likely sensitive to wheat family grains (wheat, oatmeal, and barley) and milk products (milk, cheese, ice cream, etc.). Remember that these two ingredients are in many, many foods. In place of wheat, purchase cereal, bread, and pasta made of spelt, quinoa, or kamult. Sorbet is a tasty alternative to ice cream, sometimes available at ice cream stands. Veggie cheese is made of tofu and works well in every way. During heavy allergy season, avoid any foods you are sensitive to and you may find your allergies are more tolerable without medical intervention.
In time you may be able to reintroduce some of your old favorite indulgences, but don’t count on it! For now, give them up from your heart, and engage fully in your own recover of good health. (See the final chapter for a possible desensitizing technique!)










XI I HATE EXERCISE, BUT I DO IT ANYWAY!
I pray to you, O Lord; you hear my voice in the morning; at sunrise I offer my prayer and wait for your answer…Lead me to do your will, make your way plain for me to follow. Ps 5:2-3:8.

Until recently I always enjoyed normal good health and relative immunity from whatever is going around. I did not participate regularly in any sport, although I enjoyed a fling at tennis and golf. Now all those years of doing very little had to be over-written with better habits. Exercise bores me, quite frankly, and makes me feel like I am “wasting time” when there are so many projects calling to me. Music is something I appreciated and loved, but I seldom had time for listening with full attention. So now I stretch or walk or ride my exercycle with a tape deck in a fanny pack, listening to my favorite musicians and singers. I recommend Yanni’s “In Celebration of Life” as a quick paced collection of uplifting compositions, which I have heard many times, and of which I never tire. You will discover other artists whose work energizes you.
It was my plan to create for myself a stretching and exercise routine that took no more than one hour, required no equipment, no special clothing, no friend beside me, something I could do in my home, in a motel room, motor home, or campground. I usually do not begin any form of exercise until after I have eaten. Exercise without food first seems to “turn on” my hunger mechanism to the maximum for the whole day! Eating before exercising seems to help with self-control later. I wear loose clothing. And I drink two glasses of good water soon after rising. And I move around for a while before starting (like make the bed or tidy up).
The formal classes I tried were all too strenuous for me. The routine that I developed for myself may be too strenuous for you to start, especially if you have not improved your diet already. Listen to your body and begin very slowly.

Every action should be done slowly, none to the point of pain. Over time I became limber. Do not do any movements which put pressure on your joints which are already in pain. At no time should you lock your knees, but keep them always slightly bent, springy. Hold each movement for a count of 20. All movement is done equally for both sides of the body. Pay attention to how your body is feeling. Skip anything that seems difficult, until you are ready to do it. Failure to give your body enough water will prevent you from getting the benefit of exercise. Healthy people need eight 8-oz. glasses (one gallon) of good water per day, and you need even more water to counter the dehydrating effects of coffee and soft drinks. Believe this!

FIRST TIME: Stop after each set and see how you feel. Do not exceed 5 minutes on large muscles for first two weeks. Skip down to the massage and relax sections.

STANDING: I begin standing comfortably, feet at shoulder width. (Parts of this can be done sitting, if you have a balance problem. Modify as you need to until you are able to do more.)
1. Stretch arms straight up.
2. Grab one wrist with the other hand, pulling your arm over the top of your head, and hold. Repeat for other side.
3. Reach out cross fashion, holding both arms out, reaching with your hands.
4. Reach out both arms straight in front of you.
5. Circle your arms in forward motion, nine times around, like a windmill. Reverse and circle in reverse motion nine times around.
6. Put arms out to sides, and look and reach left; look and reach right. Repeat three times.
7. Suck in your gut, with hands in front of you, “push” three times some imaginary door.
8. Raise arms overhead and around and reach down to the floor. Hang there for a count of fifty, slowly letting your body down as far as it will go, using a chair or wall to support you for balance if needed.
9. Bend your knees, put both hands on the floor, and put one foot far behind you, heel to the floor, stretching the calf. Repeat using the other foot behind.
10. Very slowly stand up, unrolling your back.
11. Move your shoulders in a slow circle forward, and then backward.
12. Bring your hands together in front of you, kick your right heel out, then the left, and repeat.
13. Slowly raise your arms overhead, and shift all your weight to one foot and lift the other from the floor. Hold. Replace that foot and shift your weight to the other one, standing on one foot. Improve balance by pointing your hands downward, bending them at the wrists.

STANDING MOVEMENT: Improves balance. Start with feet at shoulder width.
1. Holding your hands flat in front of you as if on a table top, step with left foot a little forward, and move your hands in a circle around the “table top” nine times. As you sweep the table top, rock back and forth from foot to foot. Step back. Repeat the same actions towards the right.
2. Return to standing. Following the same footpath, this time move your hands in a circle like a bass drum, around and up back towards yourself. Repeat for the other side.

Squat now, embracing your knees, and say an Our Father.

SITTING ON THE FLOOR: (Sit on a chair if you need to protect knee joints. Modify routine.)
1. Sit on the floor (or a pillow if your bones hurt) with the soles of your feet pressed together.
2. Press your knees toward the floor with your hands or elbows.
3. Extend your legs in front of you with feet as wide apart as is comfortable.
4. Now do A or B. A, reach and touch opposite side toes, ten times each. Or B, reach with both hands to grab a foot, and lower your head as far as possible. Repeat for the other leg.
5. Now bring feet together with your legs straight out, bend your knees slightly and reach for your toes. Do NOT force your knees down at all!
6. Pull your knees up to your chest, wrap your arms around your legs, and roll back and forward five times on your back. (This will be nearly impossible to start, and forever impossible for some. If you have had back surgery, skip this.)

LYING ON THE FLOOR:
1. Pull your knees up to your chest, and while keeping your shoulders on the floor, lay your knees over to one side. Then take them over to the other side. Repeat this movement. For a little more stretch, straighten out your legs when they are at the side, but tuck them in again to cross to the other side.
2. Now put your feet on the floor, and lift your butt as high as you can for a count.
3. Now do 10 to 20 “scrunchies”, partial sit-ups with feet on the floor, where you reach towards your knees. Do not overstress your neck.
4. Roll onto one side, bend your knees for support, and put the upper hand on the floor to hold you steady. Now raise your head from the floor and hold, back down again, five times on each side.
5. Roll on to your stomach, stretching out fully, hands to toes.
6. Place your hands on the floor and push up your upper body.
7. Get on your hands and knees, arch your back as high as you can. Then let it sag as far as it is comfortable.
8. Sit back on your feet.

KNEELING:
1. Sitting on your feet, with toes flat along the floor, internally squeeze your pelvic floor up 15 times.
2. Put your hands on the floor and fold over and put your forehead on the floor too. Squeeze those pelvic muscles 15 times. (The pressure on your forehead will help clear your sinuses.)
3. Sit up again on your feet, this time with the toes bent under, taking some of your weight, and squeeze that pelvic floor another 15 times.
4. (If your wrist joints do NOT hurt, do 10 mini-pushups from your knees. Save this exercise for next year if need be.)

SITTING: Face a window. Sit tailor (cross-legged) fashion, on a cushion or folded blanket at least four inches high to relieve pressure on the knees. Let your hands relax in your lap. (You may also sit in a chair.)
1. Look to the left, and then to the right, five times.
2. Bend your ear towards your shoulder to the left, and then to the right, five times.
3. Look up to the ceiling and down to your lap, five times.
4. Extend your arms out to the front, hands clasped, and pull them back in towards your chest, rolling the wrists as you do.
5. Put the palms of your hands together and press, exerting pressure on every finger against its opposite.
6. Clasp your hands and pull apart. Repeat the pressing and pulling.

This finishes the stretching for large muscles. If it takes you longer than 20 minutes, cut out parts of it, particularly any that are too stressful. Try them again next month.

MASSAGE: SELF MASSAGE FOR HEAD AND NECK AND FEET. (If you are sitting cross-legged, recross your legs the other way now.) This improves circulation to those areas that don’t get muscle action, especially the scalp and sinuses. This is especially comforting if I have a cold, or am stressed. Press lightly with the fingers at the points described. Press down or massage each point for a count of 20. Can be repeated later in day.

1 Always begin at the back of the head, just at the base of the skull. After that the sequence does not matter. Press with forefingers of both hands at the base of the skull.
2 Massage down the back of your neck on both sides of the spinal column, just above the shoulders.
3 Massage the top of each shoulder.
4 Massage the front of the neck, up under the jaw, around those lymph nodes.
5 Pinch and rub all around the ears, and end by pulling your ears up and towards your head.
6 Massage in front of the ears, and again at the temples.
7 Massage your cheekbones, and on both sides of your nose.
8 Pinch the bridge of the nose, or apply equal pressure from both sides by leaning on your fingers.
9 Massage the eyebrows and the center of the forehead.
10 Give yourself a couple of flat-handed thumps on the chest.
11 Massage your breasts.
12 Shake out your legs now, if they have been folded up all this time. Massage your feet, one at a time. Use lotion if your skin is dry. Using the thumbs of both hands press up and down the soles of the foot. Massage the toes and in between them. With your feet on the floor, stroke along the tops from the ankles down toward the toes, and then rub the ankle down too.

RELAX: Lie down flat on the floor (or the bed), hands at your sides, eyes closed lightly. Now you must try to feel the floor, at every point where you have contact with it. Visualize a journey within yourself. Feel where your heels touch the floor, then up the back of your legs, your butt. Then feel how your hands touch the floor, and up your arms. Feel how your back is in contact with the floor, and your shoulders. Now let your eyes sink into the sockets. Let your jaw go slack. Let your chest sink. Let your stomach sink. Feel the clothes that weigh on your legs. Feel your toes in the air. Fill your body with imaginary white light. Remain so for a few minutes. Pay attention to any place that hurts, and when you get up, give that part some more attention.

This ends my daily stretching routine. I follow it with 8 minutes of Qi Dong, which is a movement form from India. In Qi Dong you stand in place, knees bent slightly, and bounce up and down, while visualizing the healthy internal massage that you are giving your body muscles, bones, and internal organs. This is like taking a walk in place

Tai Chi, Yoga, and Qi Dong are forms of slow, low impact aerobic exercise, often done with music in the background. I have learned something of each style, and retained portions in my exercise routine. I am not the master of these forms, yet benefit from them. I took classes in local Community schools and independent classes, which are offered in many places. Native American and other cultures also dance in similar ways. You will get the same effect from walking, but dancing is more fun and bad weather is less of a problem. Walking does REQUIRE good walking shoes, to prevent injuries or falls! When the weather is inclement, I walk in a Mall. Most Malls open very early (some as early as 6 a.m.) to accommodate walkers, and some merchants even offer free coffee. Pass up the coffee, though. Walks before stores open keep me safe from purchasing, and I find lots of company.

Daily stretching (20 minutes) and walking (or 30 minutes of something strenuous) are simple, inexpensive, accessible therapy for the whole body. I rearranged my schedule and gave them top priority. I gave up all my excuses. It is hard to start, and to be self-disciplined about exercise, but the alternative was unacceptable. I would rather be in good heath.










XII SUNLIGHT IS A KEY TO BETTER HEALTH
Praise Him, all His angels, sun and moon and shining stars; Let them all praise the name of the Lord! He commanded, and they were created…Praise him, kings and all peoples, girls and young men, old people and children too. Let them all praise the name of the Lord. Ps. 148:2,5,11-12.

While we do not worship the sun as a god, it does stand at the center of our universe, the source of all light and energy in this world, and therefore the source of energy in our bodies too. Its energy is packed into our foods and all fuels. But I personally need a daily dose, not easily come by in our cloudy Northwest. My Naturopath recommends 15 minutes each day outdoors, regardless of the weather or temperature. I take opportunities for short walks to get the mail or carry messages, a cup of tea on the deck, or an inspection of the grounds. Even better, my husband and I arrange to spend Spring Break in the sunbelt, and a few weeks every winter in our camper in a sunny place. These short trips do wonders for my health and my attitude.
I formerly used a facial cream that had a sunscreen in it. Sunscreen is certainly a wise application on bright days when you are going to be outdoors for extended periods. Blocking the benefits of natural sunlight routinely through the winter as I did is probably not wise, and may have contributed to my vitamin D deficiency. If only your face and hands are exposed for much of the year, do not block the sunshine! Bathe with clear water and soap frequently, but then allow your skin to breathe!


XIII I DE-STRESSED MY LIFE
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in trouble; my eyes are tired from so much crying; I am completely worn out. I am exhausted by sorrow, and weeping has shortened my life. I am weak from all my troubles; even my bones are wasting away. Ps. 31:9-10.
You must first know your real priorities, before you can begin to eliminate anything. I learned to know what was really important through a lesson from my husband. Early one fall day, my husband demanded that I spend a day with him wandering along the Oregon Coast, at all his favorite fishing spots. I resisted going because I had “so many things to do.” But I went, and waiting there in the car while he checked out the fishing forced to “do nothing”, I came to realize how over committed I really was! That was a profound moment of insight. I found a scrap of paper and made a list of everything I was involved in, and then I ordered it, numbering these activities from one on down, from most to least important. And then I carefully drew a line through the last four on the list, and instantly felt better! When I got home I called up the leader of each activity I had lined out and apologized, but stated firmly that I could not do what I had promised, and I hoped that he/she understood. In each case the leader appreciated my honesty and said matter would go forward and not to worry! What a relief!
When I came to the bottom point of Fibromyalgia, I followed the same procedure, reducing my outside commitments, keeping those of greatest importance to me. Daily exercise and prayer emerged at the top of my to-do list, as did food preparation. I made my improved health my number one priority for one year.
I also learned to take “power naps”, as they are called by some. Give yourself a fifteen-minute break and put your feet up every few hours. I used to go out to my car, set my watch alarm for 15 minutes, and put the seat back. Additionally, it was very warm in the car, even if the day was cool, with no phones or other distractions I always let someone know if I was leaving the building to “check on my car.” This tactic succeeded as well at home as it did at work.
I scheduled less demanding tasks for my usual “low energy” times of the day. I like to keep up with professional reading and local news too, as a part of my job, so I planned to do that around 4 p.m., when I really am no longer able to give my best attention to serious responsibilities and decision making. I learned to comfort myself with warm baths or showers, a quiet retreat into my bedroom away from noise. I use my “bed buddy” frequently, which is a microwaveable heat pad that can be purchased at a number of stores for around $10.
I changed my concert tickets to matinees. I made myself stay in bed until it was daylight. I did not approach the freeways during heavy traffic hours, and I took other routes that were slower but less stressful. I gave up yard work and all heavy lifting, letting others do those things or letting them go. I learned to delegate more, and to not do everything 100%, which was a difficult but necessary step to take, to give me the time I needed to exercise every day and to rest well every night, in body and in mind.
I turned off my phone ringer at bedtime. I put green plants with round leaves in my home, which have a calming effect in their environment. I brought the restful colors of green and lighter blues into my bedroom décor. I played music that is calming or energizing, as I needed it to be. I invested in headphones so I can listen or have silence, while my family engages in its energetic life. I avoided even being in the room with the TV showing violence, usually reinforced by loud and discordant music. The subliminal effects of sound and color are little understood, but they are real. I improved my environment, in all these small ways. Every change I made supported my interior commitment to better health.
But remember, it takes seven years for the body to remake itself completely. After two years of recuperating (that is, eating carefully and sticking with daily exercise), I finally had the strength and energy on a beautiful day to do some yard work. I was quickly reminded when I had overstepped my limits by excruciating pains in my forearms, which I tried to snap some twigs into manageable sizes. But later on, in recording the foods and feelings of that day, I realized that it was the first day I had done any yard work at all in more than a year, and it was a great step forward for me!
Feng Shui is an Asian approach to arranging the environment to optimize energy. Accordingly, I cleaned out under my bed so the air can flow there. As recommended, I keep the room dusted, closets neat, with all the doors closed. I close the blinds and the door at night (including the door to the bathroom), keeping pets outside of my room to improve the chances of getting a good rest. It is important that my bed is not under an obvious beam, lengthwise or crosswise to me. I use natural fiber sheets and blankets only, with no electric blankets. I have the head of my bed to the west, which promotes the most restful sleep, according to teachings of Feng Shui.
I air the bedroom each day with fresh outside air if it is warm enough, and I keep the bed made up during the day and the space uncluttered. The dominant colors in my bedroom are yellow, green, blues, and purples, with only a touch of red or orange (which raises energy). Plants with rounded leaves are calming, those with spiky leave are energizing, so I have some of both. All the pictures or objects in my room are associated only with pleasant memories or purposes. I war bedclothes of natural fibers, loose fitting and comfy. I removed work areas and electronic equipment from my sleeping room and replaced anything plastic with wood or metal equivalents. As recommended, I placed a small ceramic dish with a tablespoon of sea salt in the southwest corner of my room (high up as we have pets). Sounds silly? Try it! At the worst, my room is clean and sweet smelling and comfortable. Try other Feng Shui remedies in your home. They give amazing results! (See the Bibliography, or visit your public library, website or bookstore.)
Taken altogether, these methods helped me de-stress my life and my surroundings.













XIV. I TAKE CARE OF MY SPIRIT EVERY DAY
Like all my ancestors, I am only your guest for a little while. Ps. 39:12.

Your body is the instrument of your spirit, which is the immortal part of you. Your spirit is talking to you very loudly through disabilities. It needs your attention right now, and every day. Pray. Meditate. Contemplate. Grow a garden, or at least plant a geranium or two. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Read a long novel. Turn the heat up and wrap up in a warm blanket. Draw pictures. Write down your memoirs. Look at photos you have saved. Give yourself full permission to “do nothing” for twenty minutes. Make the quiet space your spirit needs so you can hear it.
This spirit care has nothing to do with going to church. In fact, church work may be keeping you from real spiritual growth! I recommend The Anatomy of the Spirit by Christine Myss, PhD. And her others books on healing from within. Her suggestions in the appendix for meditation worked well for me. Reading a book isn’t a cure, however. You and your life are totally unique. You must look within yourself for the clues to your personal spiritual renewal.
Here are some useful techniques that encourage reflection:
Visualization is a valuable tool you can cultivate. In a resting position, try to “see” your insides, and what is going on there. Your natural intuition will tell you a lot. Literally, smile at your insides and their workings. This releases positive energy within you. I created my own interior personal “maintenance man” that I sent on special jobs of reconstruction. The Well-Being Journal by Capacchione describes a number of reflective activities involving drawing. I tried them all, and you see some of them in this book. You don’t need to be artistic! These activities lead to self-insight regarding family, health, and other issues which may affect you now in surprising ways.
Set yourself up for relaxation. Select a favorite piece of music, and listen to it in a resting position, visualizing some restful scene. Repeat this practice nightly, using the same scene, developing the details as you go. My scene is a sunny and warm island beach that has expanded now to a nearby tropical forest with birds and animals and a grass house with a hammock! I can even hear the rain of a warm summer storm on the roof. The music I associate with that scene easily returns me there when I need to rest, even if I do not fall asleep.
Read the Psalms, or other thoughtful words. Underline all the references to health, sleep, and stress. You will be amazed at how you share the same human conditions with those who lived thousands of years ago. Their prayers for healing can be yours also. You are not alone.
Circles of Rocks and Labyrinths. The Native American Medicine Wheel offers a form of meditation through walking among a circular pattern of rocks. It is much like the Labyrinths that can be found in European churches or gardens. Many persons, like me, have saved a pile of “special rocks” and don’t know why! Now you will have an excellent use for them. Light a candle and lay the rocks outs on the bed or floor in a circle, and mentally take a walk among them. Pause to look at each and reflect on your life and times. Do not hurry. This technique produces amazing insights. Journal your thoughts if you are so inclined.
Post a healing affirmation on your mirror or fridge. Read it aloud every day. Use this one from Edgar Cayce, or another than you prefer. “Father God, I will the life force to flow through each cell of my being, throughout this entire day, healing, regenerating this entire form and spirit.”
Journal your thoughts. If the point of our whole existence is “soul development”, then you or I can move along in that path regardless of our physical condition. In fact, insights because of our disabilities are essential. Journaling forces you to think more clearly as you carefully select words to describe your experiences or your reactions to those experiences. Writing is an exercise of the mind and will, highly beneficial to you. Spelling doesn’t count! Invest in a lined blank book and colored felt pens, and keep them by your bedside, where your insights and dreams will most likely come to you.
Search out a personal Spiritual Director. A Spiritual Director will meet with you on a regular basis, listen to your thoughts and feelings, and guide you in other activities or spiritual exercises that will lead you to greater self-knowledge. Contact one through a church or counseling service, depending on your fundamental belief system.




XV. DOES ANYONE EVER GET OVER THIS?
Turn to me, Lord, and be merciful to me, because I am lonely and weak. Relieve me of my worries and save me from all my troubles. Consider my distress and suffering and forgive me all my sins. Ps.25:16-17.

I asked everyone I could; “Does anyone ever get over Fibromyalgia?” The answer is both “Yes” and “No.” I haven’t yet met a “former” Fibromyalgia patient. This condition is forever for most people, as far as I can tell, but I am “over it”. FM is not an obstacle to living. It is like having a short leg that will not ever grow, and I must compensate for it. In my case, I must eat and rest properly and well, stretch and exercise daily but in moderation, stay connect to life in the world and contribute what I can. I think I have a wonderful life, and I am grateful for every moment of it.
I am very grateful for this condition, which makes me even more appreciative of my life, my family and friends, my work, and my resources. Others do not understand this condition, and I grow weary of explaining it. No only really wants to hear my litany of complaints or remedies. Others who have the same condition do not share my enthusiasm for restoring good health through the self-discipline of a healthy life-style, even though they have not tried it, because they are looking for a pill or other quick cure. Or they are satisfied as they are, strange as that sounds to me.
I continue to learn something new every day about myself and about a healthy and wholesome life in general. In February of 1999 I took a tumble on the rocks at the beach and broke a bone in my shoulder. That trip to the orthopedic surgeon was not on my “to do” list ever, but I learned this hard way to wear proper walking shoes! And I also learned that my daily stretching routine was ideal for restoring mobility to my arm and shoulder, and after two months of continued faithful exercise, gradually extending my range of motion, I am fully restored (again!). The self-discipline of exercise and tolerance for pain was in place, aiding my swift recovery.
As the result of the same tumble on the rocks, I made the acquaintance of a practitioner of NAET (Nambudripad Allergy Elimination Treatments. Practitioners are listed on the Internet in every area of the U.S.). You can read about this approach in Winning the War Against Immune Disorders and Allergies by Ellen W.Cutler, D.C. Over the summer of 1999 I underwent the prescribed course of treatments along with chiropractic adjustments that truly eliminated my food allergies and sensitivities! I discovered I was sensitive to many more foods and elements than I had known about, and I was treated successfully for them all. Now I really can eat what I please again, without any of the side effects that I experienced before (gas, diarrhea, Raynaud’s, stiffness in joints, and edema). But I still choose to eat a healthy diet.
Everywhere I go I meet others with Fibromyalgia, or I am told of a relative or friend with many of these same symptoms who suffers greatly. Others chat on the Internet, reporting trials with a variety of medications. With some persons FM began after an accident or some other illness. Some really cannot pinpoint any significant event. Some are Type A high-energy personalities who are dismayed at their fatigue and pain. When I inquire about their diet control, or exercise plan, these individuals shrug and sometimes say plainly that they are not interested, or they do not have time for that. Some are satisfied as they are. They do not wish to give up alcohol, or carbonated drinks, fast foods, or other favorites. Or maybe they experience benefits to being sick and sidelined that they do not wish to give up. . It may be occupation related, or it may not be.
I think each of us must now what we want in the way of assistance from a physician or other medical practitioner before approaching him or her, with records in hand. I believe you must enact your own plan of daily exercise, controlled diet, de-stressed lifestyle, and a positive attitude to regain whatever you want as a “normal life.” The Health Care industry and the Internet is a vast resource of individuals, associations, authors, and salespeople with many leads to further research and possible answers to an individual’s particular need, but that multitude is also overwhelming and even suspect, for each one has its own agenda.
I am aware of support groups, but when I most needed support I was least able to go for it. Family and coworkers often do not understand. They offer foods and are offended if you do not eat and drink what is offered, saying that “only a little cannot hurt.” But even a little helps destroy self-discipline, and may undo weeks of effort to eliminate offending foods from one’s diet.
Research does not seem to be going forward much, in spite of the frequent diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, and it is likely there are many, many persons with similar symptoms, getting by somehow, postponing any effective action until they “have time to be sick.” Employers do not want to be responsible for stress. Our food supply is probably the most plentiful and safest in the world. The entire foods industry would not favor discovering a close connection between many of these symptoms and the additives, insecticides, and hormones in the American food supply. The food industry is NOT on your side. Pharmaceutical companies would like to develop and sell medications. Each of us must become a careful consumer in supermarkets, restaurants, health food stores, pharmacies, at church suppers, family gatherings, and in every health professional’s office.
I do not believe there is a medication or any other quick fix for this condition I know Fibromyalgia as a condition of my existence, probably for life, requiring that I care for myself in sensible ways. But I have never met anyone who thought she/he had beaten this disease, as I have. I consider myself fully cured of all symptoms! But the changes I made in every area of my life are here to stay.














XVI I AM MY OWN BEST ADVOCATE, AND SO ARE YOU!
We last no longer than a dream…Teach us how short our life is, so that we may become wise…Fill us each morning with your constant love, so that we may sing and be glad all our life. Ps. 90:5,12,14.

I have a few bones to pick with the medical community. I began this part of my life journey as many others do when first faced with a special health issue, lacking knowledge and resources. I was completely trustful of the medical establishment with which I was familiar. After the bout with Shigellosis and antibiotic “cure”, I was not given instructions or supervision for my diet to prevent aftereffects. No one spoke to me of this need, nor was I provided any literature, with the exception of one nurse who cautioned me to “eat yogurt”. That was hardly an adequate follow-up. So I fell into a hole of distressed health, quite literally.
Two medical doctors from other clinics diagnosed Fibromyalgia, probably correctly, and gave no useful advice on self –care, other than to “eat right and get plenty of rest.” They were absolutely right, but non-specific. Most clinics these days provide extensive nutritional counseling to diabetics. Having attended such courses, I know they are effectively presented and very similar in advice tow hat ought to be given to Fibromyalgia patients, and perhaps to many others with chronic conditions. HMO’s would be well advised to provide more adult education, and perhaps even require it as part of a treatment plan.
When I did share my new found knowledge (which is really only the specifics of a healthy life style) my allopathic doctor discredited my successes. She appreciated my written lists of symptoms and their timeline. But she did not see the connections, and actually directed me to take aspirin for its distant possible “benefits”, when I had experienced its immediate problems. My medical doctors are not interested, it seems, in food intolerance and eating habits, skeptical of the part they play in overall level of good health. What I longed for was shared wisdom among the health professional I consulted, and some honoring on my own perspective, insight, and results. What I know now is that each of us must be a knowledgeable consumer of health care services.
Taken altogether, the health professionals I consulted with have great knowledge, skills and compassion. Failure to share and recognize the wisdom of other health professionals, including the patient’s own insights, leaves many persons like me with disjointed and less than adequate health care when so much more could be done through a coordinated effort. While specialization is essential, it should not blind one group of practitioners to the skills and knowledge of another. All are needed. Let us hope medicine in the 21st century makes that leap into Sharing Wisdom in the Practice of the Healing Arts. Or at least let us hope for respect among the various health disciplines and a measure of honesty about what can be accomplished by various approaches.
I believe the real “cure” will be found when the medical community addresses the causes, probably in the area of nutrition or total life-style. Serious malnutrition exists all over the world among people who never get to see doctors, and therefore do not have a name for their symptoms like Fibromyalgia.


XVII SUMMARY
Your protector is always awake…The Lord will protect you from all danger. He will keep you safe. He will protect you as you come and go, now and forever. Ps. 121:3,7.

In summary then, my best advice to fellow Fibromyalgia sufferers:
1. Take full responsibility for your health care. Research for yourself, change what you can, and learn from everything that happens.
2. Seek help from appropriate people but do not engage in whining to anyone.
3. Keep daily records, data for your insights and improvements.
4. Ask for copies of any medical records, and keep them together for reference.
5. Exercise daily, no excuses. Stretch and do mild aerobics totaling one hour, as early in the day as possible for you.
6. Stay on your personally designed diet, avoiding all food sensitivities and consuming only highly nutritional foods.
7. Engage your mind and body in other-centered activities, doing some service to others that you enjoy.
8. If you only say two words of prayer a day, let those words be “Thank You” and it will be enough.
More than fifty books with “Fibromyalgia” in the title are listed on Amazon.com, and a few can be found in local bookstores. There are many other books not listed here, on diet, exercise, stress management, spiritual awareness, and medications, and their effects and side effects that you may want to review. There are many websites addressing Fibromyalgia and its problems, including chat rooms, that you may choose to explore. The available information is overwhelming, and often difficult to assimilate sensibly into one’s life. Those listed below are the books I found to be most helpful, of all that I have read.

Selected Bibliography
American Medical Association Encyclopedia of Medicine. Random House. Basic information on how the human body functions normally.

Aromatherapy: A Lifetime Guide to Healing with Essential Oils. Valerie G. Cooksley. Prentice Hall, NJ. 1996. Useful de-stressing techniques.

Best Guide to Meditation, The. Victor N. Davich, Rennaissance Media, Inc. 1998. A spectrum of meditation techniques and ideas.

Book of Shiatsu, The. Paul Lundberg. Simon and Schuster, Inc. 1982. Instructions for gentle massage aimed at the pressure points.

Coping with Food Intolerances. Dick Thom, DDS, ND, JELD Publications, Portland, Or. 1995. Help with diet.

Eat Right for Your Blood Type. Dr. Peter J.D’Adamo and Catherine Whitney. GP Putnam’s Sons, 1996.

GoodNews Bible. American Bible Society, New York. 1996.

Hildegard of Bingen’s Medicine. Strehlow, Dr. Wighard and Gottfred Hertzka, MD. Bear and Co., Publishing, 1988.

PDR Pocket Guide to Prescription Drugs. Pocket Books, New York. 1996. Common drugs, expected results, and possible unfavorable outcomes.

Practical Feng Shui. Simon Brown. Ward Lock Publ., Wellington House, 125 Strand, London, 1997. An introduction to Feng Shui geared to the American audience.

Prescription for Nutritional Healing. Revised. James F. Balch, MD., and Phyllis A. Balch, CNC. Avery Publishing Group, Garden City, NY. 1997. Information on diet, supplements, and diseases.

Quantum Healing: Exploring the Frontiers of the Mind/Body Medicine. Depok Chopra, M.D. Bantam Books, N.Y. 1989. The power of intention in healing.

Spontaneous Healing. Andrew Weil, MD. Ballantine Books, 1995.

Well-Being Journal, The. Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D. Newcastle Publishing Co., PO Box 7589, Van Nuys, CA, 91409. 1989. Exercises leading to personal self-knowledge about health issues.

Winning the War Against Immune Disorders and Allergies. Ellen W. Cutler, DC. Delmar Publisher, Boston. 1998. An explanation of Nambudripad Allergy Elimination Treatments and their application to a variety of conditions.

Thriving in a Toxic World. William Randall Kellas, Ph.D. and Andrea Sharon Dworkin, N.D. Quality Books, Inc. 1996. Information especially useful to the hypersensitive individual.











XVIII Journal Entries related to health situation

My journals contain a great deal more than is here, of night dreams and day dreams, insights into a number of situations, theological musings, summaries of books I read or movies I have seen, snatches of psalms, places I visited, descriptions of people or events, and prayers. The entries recorded here are those lines from my Life Journal that seem closely related to my health concerns. The health log/diet journal is a separate text, in which I try to be very factual. I record my bodily conditions every day, without fail, a test of honesty and commitment to my own self-care.

Feb. 26, 96 Sidhartha talks of three abilities I need: To fast, to pray, and to wait.


March 2, 1996 This has been a hard winter for me, as I reflect, a succession of sleeping and dragging myself to work, and a backache added for the last three weeks. Floods, cold weather, and the usual stress at school, but now its almost spring. When my body, or mind, gets used to this “new” me,…well, I’ll just go on in summer weather, I suppose. And aim for warm places next winter.

April 7, 1996 From Ash Wednesday until now, I have come up slowly from darkness and pain to light, from cold and stress to warmth, comfort. “Fibromyalgia”, muscle aches and pain all over, especially in my hands, with Raynauds, loss of circulation in my extremities, edema, stress, interrupted sleep, lead to complaining, loss of commitment, escapism, self-centeredness, less self-confidence, changing self-image, and a change in priorities. Physical being affects spiritual being and growth… I haven’t written anything for a long time. My spirit was so sunk in physical maladies that filled my thoughts. So I lived that. How good to be warmed by the sun! My soul comes alive too, and my mind as well as my body!

May 27, 1996 I think I am “depressed” by health, self-centeredness, lack of sunshine, nothing new to think about.. This is one of those emotional deserts, I guess, that I just have to cross barefoot. I have to keep doing what I know is right, regardless of how I feel about it. What’s to be learned form this? Patience. Some things take time.

June 29, 1996 Jan studied an oriental approach to healing that relates body language to mental problems. So on reflection, what is the connection to my wrist problems? Not doing enough at work stops the flow of energy? A withholding of “hand”, i.e of affection or care for someone? A self-punishment for actions that are self-centered? Or just damaged wrist bones?

July 9, 1996 (Just after carpal tunnel surgery). Being off exercise and good diet for even a few days is catching up to me. My jaw aches this morning, uneasy stomach, chills, convinces me to take care of myself.

August 3, 1996 My health seems more normal except for Raynaud’s, which persist, although milder and less frequent in warmer weather. Hand is healing, not a problem. Left hand goes numb. I am going to try acupuncture this fall….I am really proud of mastering the symptoms of last winter (fatigue, muscle pain, diarrhea) with diet control (no alcohol, caffeine, sugar, salt, drugs or fake food). Except Raynauds. Maybe iodine deficiency? Must research it. Extra salt provokes my left hand.

August 15, 1996 So I had a talk with God last night in his office. It has dark paneling, a large dark desk, with a picture window behind it. Looking out I could see what we were talking about. He sees it anyway. There are no books, as He does not need to keep reference materials. He laughs and carries on the conversation at my level. I never thought of visiting God in His office before, but that is a very comfortable place for me….My hands hurt sometimes like I have overused them, especially in the morning.

October 27, 1996 …My health seems to wax and wane with sunlight and attention to healthy eating. I believe I have an intestinal absorption deficiency, leading to a variety of symptoms including arthritic hands. The image I have is red and yellow, striated muscle, inflamed, congested… The truth must be embedded in my lived experience too, in my “piece of the wisdom”. But I never feel like I’ve done enough, or much at all, or anything close to my potential. God will have to orchestrate some great serendipitous situation to get me out of this.

Dec. 11, 96 I would really like to understand what my body is saying, so I can take corrective action…pinched nerves? Neck, shoulder, wrist, affect right hand severely. Mind sends messages to the will, and brain to the body via nerves?

February 12, 1997 Maybe it’s menopause. Maybe this depression is post-Mother’s death. Maybe my health just isn’t what it used to be. Whatever the source, I just want to rest more thoroughly, to go slow and do little…This healing process is slow, slower than I thought. Or something is more radically wrong. Fatigue, diarrhea, Raynaud’s, sore spot on sternum…not much really. But depressing to my natural energy level.

Feb. 16, 1997 So now I am pretty certain that what I have is Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV) with chronic form flare-ups. Keeping a healthy body, good diet, exercise, regular hours, not over stressed, positive attitude, and meaningful work can control it. It is taking advantage of my system, weakened by Shigella aftermath. So now it is a non-life threatening handicapping condition. And it is a blessing, since it has caused me to learn so much and to resort my priorities and plans….I am a universe to assorted virus, bacteria, parasites, amoebas and so on. To it all, I am god. We need each other. I must be a benevolent but firm God. It must voluntarily work with me so I can live. We are interdependent. I am a hologram for the larger universe, where I am NOT God. But likewise, it is a benevolent universe with a principle of order, a force, intelligence, and a will.

February 19, 1997 In my studying of bodily health, I understand (in the larger picture) that every cell communicates with every other, directly, without me giving orders. The whole body “knows” itself in every detail and responds cooperatively, if sometimes not appearing so. It’s all for one and one for all. My spirit is the greatest principle of integrity to this body…one of many, many…and as with all humans, I am free to use or abuse…but I will suffer consequences too, built into the system, which is always on “Recycle” mode, sooner or later to “die”.

February 20, 1997. (Dialogue with non-dominant hand.). My hands and wrist hurt to the elbow.

Why does my wrist hurt? Too much use.
Doing what? Everything. Take a break.
You mean next year? Now. Rest.
Wrist brace? Feels better lately really. Keeps coming back. Re-injured. Rest it.

March 26, 1997 Quote from Illusions.

“YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YOUR MISSION. YOU’RE STILL ALIVE.”

May 1, 1997. I am discouraged about diet control to complete healing in my hands, so I took a few days off. A little chocolate, a little coffee, a little wheat…no particularly adverse effects. I just feel a little guilty. (Bad effects next day!)

May 10, 1997 So I complained to Dr. C. of chest pain with strenuous exercise, and now she want to see me “soon”. I have done all I can to date with diet and exercise. I think there is some obstruction, which may account for circulation problems and symptoms in extremities. What worries me is what she might want to do about it. I don’t even like the thought of invasive testing. But inside I am preparing for any possibilities.

May 25, 1997 Of late I am learning to better live in the now, to enjoy the moment. All my efforts have improved the condition of my body, but it still is aging, wearing down, not working so unconsciously well. It does make me appreciate life more.

July 2, 1997 I am somewhat depressed about my health…the pain in my hands, weakness in them, the recurring Raynauds, a nagging worry that something more serious is systematically wrong (not just arthritis); aging is discouraging. Or maybe it’s just menopause and it will pass eventually? And I’ll reach some plateau of later life health that’s enjoyable? I can’t tell from here.

Jan. 16, 1998 Ben (my husband) sends me mixed messages…calls me a “hypochondriac”, says I waste money on various doctors and supplements, but also asks, “Are you O.K.?”…and then he says I am not O.K.! Palsy in hands, poor balance at times, I don’t know hat else he perceives, or what he ignores, because he doesn’t want it to be true.

March 3, 1998 I am depressed. Same old aches and pains are back, hands, feet, shoulders, keeps me from doing what I ought…housework and yard work. My inside voice says to accommodate and then ignore the rest.

March 19, 1998 Better! I tried Advil for three days, in case there is an inflammation. While my joints, hands and feet are better, it could be the sunshine. Or I am using pressure points Jan taught me in the wrist and ankle. Who knows?

May 11, 1998 My first grandchild is due this week. The health interventions I try don’t appear to work…still pains in hands, wrist, and at times in knees, feet, neck. I feel like a whiner, but also like I am being self-protective and normal in that.

August 2, 1998

Something
Tells me
That all my going to church
Does not equal
The direct touch
Contact
With the All
That is always here
Ever possible
Ever present
To me
If only
I waken.

Spider-webs
Can be seen
In certain light
Otherwise obscure
So too
Our understanding
Is illuminated
At times
A surprise
Of strength
Proportionate
To steel.

August 9, 1998 Hildegard shares my German roots, so her food and spice recommendations probably will do me good. I stocked up and include them in my food. I hope these are the missing vitamins and minerals my body needs, but I suspect the mal-absorption problems will persist and I will always have to be careful what I eat.

August 17, 1998

I remembered today
That long ago
I drew a picture of my “insides”
Intuitive
Colors
Green and gold
Swirling
Tails trailing
A galaxy
Inside me
A hologram?
Still warm
And growing.

November 6, 1998 (I am fasting.)

Hunger is.
I am paying attention to it
In my gut
In my throat
Saliva rises
At my thoughts
I sigh
Considering the strength
Of my resolves
About this day.
Hunger rises
To my heart
Under my breasts.

Raynauds attacks.

November 28, 1998

I feel empty today, a little disoriented and dizzy, cold nose. I tried a hot bath and Ibuprofen, eating, tea, candy…perhaps I tried too many things. It seems impossible to find a quiet warm place to read or rest since the children are home for the holiday. The TV’s blare, everything keeps falling into disarray. Tai Chi didn’t help and I couldn’t concentrate, there or here.

December 11, 1998 I feel like normal today, sleeping well, eating well enough from what is provided here. I exercise every day

December 20, 1998 It is bitterly cold out… My wrists and ankles get stiff but all other health issues seem “solved”. I meditate the white light washing through me, and I believe that it is effective. I do believe all is made of energy, in various forms. Self-conscious existence in the NOW is all joy.

January 6, 1999 I asked my “inner wisdom” about my increasing weight. Insights: like all animals, a natural reaction to change, storing fat against cold and age and famine when there will be less to eat. When the weather is warm, we lose appetite. This is a present-life experience. One can control appetite, but in general, humans do not have such control in the interests of survival. It is autonomic, or automatic. You can increase your exercise and “eat mindfully”, and stay warm. The goal isn’t to be a particular size but to “care for the instrument well so that it will produce beautiful music”. Care for it, but also use it.